Talking with my peeps on CoSo led me to the video, “The Toxic World of Self-Help: Hustle Culture, Toxic Positivity, Addiction, and Fake Gurus”. I am inspired to speak my mind on this, because Mom’s addiction to self help gurus royally fucked up my life. At the same time, certain self-help books have saved me, being very therapeutic. Buckle up, we’re taking the scenic route.
Mom made me listen to Dale Carnegie and Zig Zigler on the way to school in the mornings. It was the 80s, age of pyramid schemes, she fell for every one, and wanted to make sure these “inspirational men” were part of my life. I think she wanted me to be rich. Instead I developed a finely tuned instinct to determine when someone’s facade was self-serving. Unfortunately for Mom, she never got rich either. She tried every one of those schemes, but her experience seemed very much to reflect the one in this video, except Mom never really seemed to accept that they were full of crap, and hurt her.
My experience with her was very damaged, and I am rather non-materialistic as a result. That’s okay, I’m cool with finding happiness within, but the woman did give me PTSD. In part because of how unpredictable she was, how she would tear into me over some unreasonable expectation she had of me, then the phone would ring, and she would pick it up, suddenly sugary sweet, because we must always maintain the facade. It repulsed me. She also seemed to expect me to be telepathic about what she needed, and expected me to remain silent, “Children should be seen, not heard.” If I asked politely how to do something, there was a 50% chance she would go off. She framed it as me being “out of control”.
Image was important to Mom, driven deep into her from childhood. Grandma was a model in the 50s, and what you might call a “covert narcissist” (not my term, it’s a thing). Think Donna Reed in public, jerk at home. By the time I was a teen, she had settled down, found the ability to control her temper, but she was cold with the illusion of warmth.
My visiting friends would be politely greeted, Grandma would be a perfect hostess, and make polite conversation centered on their classes, goals, family, interests, and where their family was from. Small talk is polite, after all. She smiled, and was obviously proud of her hostessing skills. Without fail, we would leave and my friend’s jaw would drop open as they exclaimed in relief that it was over, “Man, what a bitch.” I always felt so validated, but sad that they had to feel judged. Mom and Grandma both cultivated a vibe of upstanding citizen, someone who fit perfectly into society’s rules, but that wasn’t the vibe they gave off at all.
People throw around the word narcissism a lot lately, but it is a real personality disorder. Personality disorders are difficult to treat, because they have to deal with the world-view of the person in question. They think the problem is not them, that it is the world around them, and their justifications for hurting others run deep. I don’t call Mom a narcissist, only Grandma, because she’s the one that fits the profile. Mom carries all the damage from constantly trying to attain Grandma’s unreachable goals, and shares many of her traits, but it is more obvious that she feels deeply for her actions, and the mask she maintains exhausts her.
Narcissistic parents pick a favorite child, then make them live up to unreasonable expectations to “toughen them up”, always moving the goal post and with holding their affection until it is “earned”. This does indeed produce a child capable of “success”, but they are crippled emotionally. Self-esteem is only achieved through external validation, anything to “win”. Meanwhile, those that don’t “play the game” report higher levels of satisfaction with life.
Part of why narcissism is such a common word lately is because so many narcissists are rewarded in this society, their methods are seen as the way to succeed. People who are “too weak” to manipulate and exploit others are shamed by those who “win” (there is no weakness found in the decision to not play the game). When one of these people starts to earn praise for something, they might hook onto that thing so hard it becomes their identity, and they rise to the status of guru, something their ego craves. Their methods may feel good, very soothing, but it pairs with the ability to turn off the switches that prevent us from exploiting others.
Not everyone who writes self-help books is a narcissist, but they really love to write self-help books. They want to be the expert, the one being praised. They are self soothing, and they know how to soothe us, and it spreads. They might not even be capable of understanding what they are doing, they can even be genuinely trying to do the right thing, and they have worked so hard to convince themselves that convincing others comes naturally. And we can relate to them, because guess what? We all have the same traits. Disorders happen when traits that are normal become magnified to the point that help is needed.
So, anyway… The self help genre also holds a lot of healing. I survived my childhood with resiliency that I gained from both therapy and self-help books. In fact, I have a couple that I’ve been clinging to lately. The toxic side of self-help is a thing, and healthy people who want to help others feel better is also a thing. You can even get a narcissist who genuinely wants to help others, and be a good person. We want the world to be simple, but unfortunately people are seriously complicated.
So, how can you tell the ones that are helpful from the ones that will twist you into a monster, leading you to deal with massive regret and denial when you look back on your carnage?
I was in a group recently and the group facilitator encouraged us to seek out self-help books, but warned us against the predatory ones that can mislead you. I asked him how to tell the difference. He said the toxic or predatory ones imply they are only one with the answer, the only one you can trust to guide you. That’s gaslighting 101, a narcissist’s favorite because they often really believe it, and can be charming and convincing, due to focusing on their “persuasion” skills, and studying how to manipulate people in their spare time.
Okay, look. I do too, technically. I study persuasion on purpose now, despite the fact that I find the area of expertise to be distasteful. I spot it too often when someone wants something out of me and it gets irritating. But, I do it to figure out how to get through to people who are resisting feedback, and even see it as threatening. I do it when I see their perspective is causing them pain, and I know they are causing pain to others. That is persuasion. Manipulation is when you take the exact same skill set, and use it to fill your personal needs, out of greed. Intent matters.
So, how do you figure out the motivation of the book in your hand? What does it look like when trauma has twisted someone into using their ego as a blankie? Well, you check for the gaslighting, the “I’m the only one who can get you through this, I have the single answer you need. If it doesn’t work, try harder. I’m proof it works even when your friends and family tell you otherwise.” You can check for justs. “They’re just jealous”, “You’re just weak”, “They just hate tradition”, “You just love chaos”. You know, justification.
It also helps to know how to tell a real expert from someone who needs to be seen as one. Think of your interests, hobbies, passions. Two types of experts arise. One type will admit they don’t have all the answers, that the answer is complicated and several factors need to be considered. They run through them for you so you can make your own decision. The other kind says they have the one answer. The latter kind often makes dramatic statements that stir up controversy and attention. Run from the second.
There. Now feel free to browse books that promise you peace and healing, don’t just judge their contents by what makes you feel good, but what will help you face your problems in a healing manner. True healing is not pushing your emotions down and locking them off so you can function, the locks take effort to maintain. True healing provides you with a relaxing and safe structure to face your trauma in a way that will not overwhelm you, so you can learn, forgive yourself and others, and feel connected with those around you. We are social creatures, that’s why persuasion in any form works.
And never forget, if reading something makes you angry, it was designed to do so, and may be clouding your judgment on purpose because the person you are dealing with is more predatory than a simple self-soothing but misguided narcissist just trying to survive.
P.S. – That addictive thing with the dopamine can also be achieved when researching things, it’s seeking behavior that gets the dopamine flowing, similar to the hit you get when finding a hard to find item in a video game. Only you are rewarded with knowledge as well, so that’s cool, as long as you are learning from trustworthy sources. Knowledge is a true accomplishment, one that gives you real progress rather than the illusion of it, as long as you are interested in what you are studying, and you apply it :). Also, the discussion that linked to the video discussed above, had this video in the replies, and it’s cool too. All about dopamine.
Tippitiwichet 